In life, “Say No” is a familiar scene.

Sometimes you will feel guilty to refuse others: colleagues ask you for a favor, but you don’t have time; acquaintances ask you to do something, but you can’t do it; lovers ask you to spend anniversaries with her in the midst of a busy time, but you really don’t have time…

Sometimes, you will also be politely rejected by others: the interview did not success, friends did not do what you requested, lovers euphemistically declined your kindness…

You see, if you want to be in the upper reaches of interpersonal relationships, not only you have to learn to say no, but also have to learn how to say no without hurting someone’s feelings.

Today, we will help you deal with these “rejections”.

How to say no to your boss and colleagues?

Say no at the beginning

1. A good way to say no is to “say it at the beginning”. In the workplace you will inevitably encounter this situation, colleagues ask: Can you help with a task? Many people are embarrassed to refuse at first. On the use of procrastination strategy, and so on. In the end, say that they don’t have enough time or their ability is not enough to help. This is actually the worst way to say no. I suggest that if you don’t want to help, you should reject directly from the start. It saves both sides time.

2. How do you say no without hurting someone’s feelings? You can divide rejection into three parts. Expressing your desire to help at the beginning and end, but explaining the reasons you can’t help in the middle part. For example, when answering a colleague’s request to work overtime over the weekend. You can say, “You can think of me at this time, which means you really treat me as a friend.I’m glad to be your friend. But I’ve decided to visit my girlfriend’s parents at home this weekend. Otherwise, I’d really like to share your workload”

3. Another euphemistic rejection is to offer an alternative. For example, colleagues ask you to assist to build an Excel spreadsheet when you are very busy. You may wish to help him introduce other people who can solve this difficult problem. If you do not want to use their own contacts, you can also give him help in other ways, such as to give him some reference cases or operation tutorials and so on.

4. But if you’ve made your actual difficulties clear, and the other person still persist in asking for your help, and you don’t want to turn your face off, you can give him an “unacceptable solution.” You can say to him, “That way, I can help you with this, but the work I’ve got is going to be affected. Can you explain to the manager for me about it?” If the other side listens, they won’t stick to it.”

How to say no to friends and family that are close to you?

Saying “no” to someone in the workplace may not be difficult, but saying “no” to someone close to you is a real headache. Because sometimes, we do not agree with each other’s request. But after the rejection, the other side is difficult to accept. They will think “it’s all for your own good, why don’t you listen to it” or “If you do not agree with the words, then break up it”. Using this kind of expression to force you compromise. Occasionally, once or twice is ok. But if this is the case in life for a long time, be alert to the emergence of “emotional blackmail”.

Say no to Emotional blackmail

How do you distinguish between normal requests and emotional blackmail? In short, normal requests are equal, one side of the relationship wants the other to make a change, and emotional blackmail is unequal, one party wants to control the other, and the two parties in the relationship are a relationship of command and obedience.

So how do you say not to emotional blackmail?

The first step is to make a psychological change and tell yourself, “I’m not afraid of the consequences of rejection, I’m stronger than I thought I would be.” The next time you face the other person’s request, the first step is to “stop” and don’t respond immediately, whether you want to say yes or not. Tell the other person, “It’s important, I need to think about it.” Give yourself time to think carefully.

The second step is to “calmly observe” and see if the other party’s request is reasonable and decide whether to agree. If the other person’s request is reasonable, but the way it is expressed makes you uncomfortable, make it clear that you don’t like the way he speaks, and then conditionally agree. If you don’t want to say yes, be prepared not to budge before you reply.

The third step is to express your true thoughts to the other person. Give you a trick to “turn enemies into friends”, such as the wife is always anxious because you of your work trip, you can say: “I have to go for a work trip for a few days. Before you get angry, can you tell me why you are so nervous about that?” “It shows both your determination to go and your determination to care about your partner’s feeling. Taking her feelings into account, you are successful in transforming the two sides from opposing states to negotiating states.

What to do when others “say no” to you?

You will fell guilty to “say no” to others, and it’s just as uncomfortable to be “say no” by others. Have you ever felt sad or even in a situation where you can’t cheer up after being rejected? After being rejected, you may keep wondering what you’ve done wrong. If you want to reduce the negative impact, you first need to understand that a lot of times it’s not really your problem and you need to jump out of a state of self-criticism in time. You might as well try the following three methods.

1. List all self-criticism ideas and counter them in a targeted way. For example, if you feel that you have been rejected by your co-workers, you have a negative thought – “because of my bad character and poor performance”. Don’t get caught up in the idea, but think about what can refute it. With a little thought, you’ll find that actually “colleagues are not familiar with me enough. They just follow the trend.”

Ways to say no

Ways to say no

1. Make a list and find your strengths

To get out of the self-denial mood, you can try to make a written list, write down your strengths, and recall what you’ve done to confirm them. For example, if you write down “good at listening” and then recall that you listened to your friend all night long when he was down, that’s enough. Understand this advantage. Use your real past examples to remind yourself that these advantages are real to rebuild self-confidence.

2. Exercise your tolerance with “desensitive therapy”

There are scenes that rejection can’t be avoided, such as interviews or dating. You are afraid of rejection, but you have to do it. And if you want to stop being afraid of rejection, you can repeat the process and “desensit” yourself. For example, you need to find a job, but you’re afraid of underperforming in the interview. Then you can set yourself a target – “to interview 10 companies a week”. Let oneself get used to the feeling of being rejected in the interviews, and finally no longer fear of rejection and affect your own performance.

Examples of saying no without being rude

At work and in life, say no to others may be a simple “No, I’m not free” can solve everything, but it can sometimes hurt others. Let go through some examples of what we can say politely during rejection.

1. “It sounds interesting, but I have too much to do now.” If you express an objection to something, starting with praise will reduce your psychological defenses and then reject it with a valid reason.

2. “I’m sorry, the last time I did that, it was hard.” The key is not to let people know if you want or not, but to let them know that it’s hard to do so because no one wants to hurt you on purpose.

3. “I want to do this, but…” Be careful not to explain further why you can’t do it, because it gives you a sense of guilt and uncertainty, and the other person may further persuade you to help.

4. “I’m not the best person for the job. Would you like to see if he can?” If you don’t think you have that much time and energy, don’t go around the corner. You can recommend others for their reference. In this way, you can also help others.

5. “I can’t help you with the whole thing, but I can help you share some of it.” Choosing a relatively simple, less time-requiring way to help others doesn’t hurt others, and you can euphemistically decline requests.

6. “You look great, but it doesn’t suit you very well.” When someone asks you questions about work, emotions, etc., it’s a great way to express your thoughts without hurting other people’s feelings.

7. “It sounds great, but then my itinerary is full. I’ll get back to you when I’m done.” Sometimes you may get an interesting offer, idea, or request, but given your schedule. You don’t want to make other commitments. In this case, rather than saying “no” directly, buy the time to think about it and make a decision.