Rationality needs a good frame of mood
A good frame of mood of the parents is the prerequisite of family harmony and is the most needed in the child’s growth. Whether it is early education, fun time, or family life, quality assurance is to have a good mood first.
A lot of people say one of my friends’ character is gentle and inconsveent, but it’s not natural. She went through a long process of self-correction. She had a very emotional puberty, anger, depression, irritability, and weariness, which she has been in for many years.
But every detour in life has its value. It is because she falls in the bottom many times, she will be desperate to find reasons to climb out. She doesn’t sleep too much and read a lot of books, and finally realized: She does not have to indulge in the torrent of emotions forever, rationality can give her the strength to become the master of their own emotions.
How to be a “results-oriented” rational person?
A few seconds of thinking can make you a “results-oriented” rational person.
What is rationality? Rationality the few seconds between emotional impulses and actions, which are the seconds of thought that change the direction of the action.
In those few seconds, I’ll think quickly about what kind of behavior will produce and try to choose the one that works best.
For example, Sometimes I want to yell at my child, but I know that I’ll be in a bad mood after doing that. So I don’t do it.
The hardest part may not be rational thinking, but how to stop the emotional action that have been moving at high speed. These skills can be acquired through practice.
How to train up the ability to recognize self emotion?
The first step is “emotional management”
When you are about to get angry and about to collapse, the first thing is to be able to feel that they are in such an emotion. Only then it is possible not to follow the emotions with the flow. This is the first step in emotional management.
The steps to train up the ability to recognize self-emotion are like this:
(1) Know that you are angry;
(2) Know what caused your anger;
(3) Be able to be aware of the law of anger;
(4) To avoid such an event or give your own mood “an injection” in advance, and do a good job of psychological preparation;
(5) Think about and execute any ways that might improve such events.
For example, for Sula as a child was sleeping scum, she sensed that if her daughter had been able to get to sleep in more than an hour, she would be angry. So instead of yelling at her, try to be as prepared to protect your mood.
One is sleep training. Let the baby sleep on schedule. Give her what she needs, for examples, small blankets and story books if she needs. Secondly, prepare what you need to stay comfortable, for examples, a cup of hot chocolate and soft cushions. Third is to change the dad to sleep with the baby if she doesn’t sleep after an hour.
In short, knowing when you will be angry, prepare ahead of time and not give this scenario a chance to happen.
Ways to control and change anger
Many people think that if you they express angry, they will feel better. They do not know that “angry” will make people in anger for long. The more bristle you become, the more angry you become because the activity activates the emotional region of the brain.
Go back to my friend’s experience. She had a particularly distinct experience: when she wanted to burst into a rage every time, there will be more constant anger to vent through howl. After she really calm down, she will be beaten by a deep sense of guilt and loss of control, and feel worse about herself.
She is particularly familiar with this cycle, no longer want to be buried by that feeling of “out of control and guilt”. Every time she wants to get angry, she will actively mobilize the “rational brain” and do not let herself roar.
But anger cannot be suppressed, right? How to ease this emotion?
1. Take a deep breath
Take at least 10 deep breaths. You can reduce the high stimulation state to the low stimulation state. It is more beneficial to relationships if you say something calm.
2. Time out
When a deep breath doesn’t solve the anger, you can have a time out. If you’re angry with your child, you can let myself go for five minutes when the child is safe. If the anger value is relatively high, we will also take a break with permission from our partner and stay in a hotel for a night or two. Get a better mood and then come back.
3. Keep a Diary
I’ll write down things that make me angry. In the process of writing, you can also start to look at the problem from the other side’s point of view, thus creating empathy.
Meditation is the most powerful tool I’ve learned over the years for cultivating my mind. Ten minutes of meditation a day can bring great power to life.
Don’t negative self-talk. Speak out loud. But be careful, try to communicate with others after the temper has subsided. You can also do positive self-talk.
Shallow meditation can help a person learn about emotional management, grow oneself, enhance concentration and self-control, and deeply meditate to make people more humble and have a broader mind.
How to bounce back from depression and anxiety?
When we’re down, we spend a lot of time worrying. The problem is that these negative thoughts not only eat up a lot of brain energy, but also do nothing to change the status quo.
I feel “depressed” when I was young. The whole adolescence was depressed and anxious. Later I learned how to control negative thinking, life and the world are beginning to take on a different face. That kind of change can be said to be earthshaking.
I learned four steps to deal with depression:
1. To stop the negative thinking of dislocating by any means
If you can’t think rationally and positively, the best way is to divert attention. The best way to divert attention is to exercise.
2. Keep a Diary
Write down all the stress you’re under and try to think about it in a positive perspective.
For example, perhaps we will blame the family for hurting and make us imperfect. But rather than indulging in an immutable past, it is better to see its precious value: the experience of the past makes it more sensitive and compassionate, and the same harm will not be brought to our children.
3. Complete one small step at a time
Break up seemingly huge problems into countless small steps. Focus on completing only one small step at a time, and reward yourself once you have progressed. This approach applies on every issue.
4. Helping others
Doing something for others will change our perspective on the problem, and help us get out of negative emotions.
It also makes “self-feeling” a little better. Promoting “self-feeling” is the most important step, and being able to improve a grid by grid is helpful.
The Art of Criticism
Which technique affects my quality of life the most? You might not have imagined that the answer was “the art of criticism”.
The harmonious relationship between husband and wife is the prerequisite to ensure the quality of parent-child harmony and early education. And “the art of criticism”, is simply an important tool for husband and wife relations not to capsize the ship. Minimize the friction in order to better protect the mood.
In this regard, my friend and her husband had been on the hard run-in for a long time before they married. They have shown each other the worst of their emotions. They explore the art of criticism eventually: when there is any contradiction between two people, they must first minimize the impact of emotions, and then use a rational way to solve.
Do not attack personally. The most unfair way of criticism is: “you even can’t do simple stuff well, you are really useless, my friend’s husband/wife is better than you.”
If the mood is bad, don’t talk and let the mood calm down. Try not to let negative emotions run through a conversation between two people!
After calming down, try to take “us” as the main body in the conversation and make specific suggestions, rather than just attacking “you” for the wrong thing:
1. The discussion should be specific on the matter, not blame
For example: we have to work from home recently, but also to look after the children and also have to do housework. You should say something like this as a discussion: It’s so tired and the emotional state is not very good. (Don’t say: I don’t have any time of my own, I’m in a bad mood, you don’t have much to help with your children, you don’t care about me at all.)
2. Give constructive proposals and options
For example: can we take turns to take a break one night a week, so that we will have a little own space for relief. Or what other ideas do you have?
3. Agree a time to discuss
Text messages, mail, phone calls are easy to get misunderstood. It is better to meet at an undisturbed time to speak face-to-face.
4. Be able to stand from each other’s point of view and show empathy
- Empathy is the most important thing in communication. The way to communicate should be:
- Discuss the other side’s position, understand the other side, and affirm what they have done;
- Explain your position, explain your difficulties and needs;
- Communicate solutions, give options, and see which options are acceptable to both.
Knowing how to criticize and communicate can make both sides feel comfortable, feel understood and trusted.
Emotional management is not one-off. It takes time for us to practice. “To be a better you” is not an empty slogan. It can really bring about a great change in life. Hope my friend’s experience and the above tips can help everyone to think rationally and have a good family harmony.